Beating the perfectionist paralysis
By R. Cruz-Barrera

R. Cruz-Barrera

Executive Director's note: In discussing writer's block with a master's student who, despite having graduated from a major NYC University Magna Cum Laude and Phi Beta Kappa, could not complete an essential term paper for the final credit for her graduate degree, I suggested she share some of the insights she had developed into what contributed to her "perfectionist paralysis." I am posting her remarks for the value they may have for others who struggle with similar inability to complete and turn in work. — Richard Hull, Executive Director

I will be glad to share some of my insights with you. I believe that the answer to your question: "how did you beat this paralyzing perfectionism?" is complex and multifaceted. Part of why I believe I have been able to conquer some of this paralysis is because over the last year or so, I have worked hard to attain more clarity about who I am, what is most important to me and ultimately, how I want to define my "Self." Looking closely at how my actions are a reflection of my deeper motives, beliefs, etc. has been a key component of this journey.

For a long time, it was hard for me to understand, why I could not bring myself to write a paper, especially one that was so crucial to my professional development. I had always been a capable student and professional success was always important me. How could I then explain this writer's block? I thought ìI have written numerous papers in the past with good results. I am an A student. I work hard [usually doing more research than is needed to write a good solid paper]. So why would the thoughts not flow? Why was I so critical of the little that I managed to muster on the blank piece of paper cruelly staring at me? Obviously, it took a lot of pain (i.e., not graduating on time) for me to start looking at my situation more closely and being more honest about what this agonizing perfectionism reflected (and still reflects) about me.

I now realize that my obsession with creating a "perfect" product, which leads to the thinking that whatever I am writing is just ìnot good-enough yet, may come from a deeper desire to be liked or perhaps thought of as "good-enough" by others. Gaining this insight, however, has not been easy. I have always thought of myself as a strong person who is clear about her convictions and not that interested in what others think of me. So if someone had said to me that part of the reason why I COULD NOT finish a paper I needed to attain my M.A. was because I cared too much about what others thought of me, through my writing, I would have violently disagreed. And of course things are never that black and white. It is indeed human nature to want to be liked and accepted by others but at which point does this need become unhealthy? I do not have an answer to this but I do know that in my case, this was a big driving force: one that I had not been conscious of for a long time.

To be honest with you, I am not sure where this critical voice began taking such a strong life. I think part of it comes from my very competitive nature (which I came to notice as early as elementary school). Part of me finds it necessary to push myself to the limit. I have high standards, a necessary evil if anyone wants to make it big. For a long time, I viewed my self worth as being directly connected to my performances, mostly in school. Doing better in school meant to me that I was a better person (A's always made me feel better than B's, no exceptions). Again, I am truly not sure where these views began to take shape and so intricately affect my definition of "self."

I do believe that part of it has to do with being so celebrated in childhood because I was a good student. I grew up in the Dominican Republic (DR) and was blessed with an immense family tree. I have more than 90 cousins, all of whose names I can proudly remember! Thus, when you are a child among 5 children (in my immediate family) and 80+ grandchildren, it is nice to be noticed and be thought of as "special" whether it is because you are funny or beautiful or good in school. In hindsight, I am sure that my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, thought of me as special just because I existed (but in my mind, I thought the grades helped a bit).

My biggest fear when I came to America (I arrived to U.S. at age 14) was to lose that "special" aspect of myself because I could not speak English and therefore, could no longer be "competitive" in school. I think subconsciously this is why I fought so hard to learn English so I could "fit-in", continue to shine and be "noticed.'" And I did. Again, as valedictorian, I was in the spotlight; being interviewed by newspapers and giving speeches and meeting the Mayor. Yet, again, I thought my accomplishments made me "special." So there came a point where accomplishments to me became synonymous with self-worth (of course I never thought of it in those terms). And that's a heavy load to carry. It's sad that I could not see how much I was worth just because I existed. I thought: "shoot, people in school like me and talk to me because I know the materials and I get good grades. How silly!"

I do remember my mom saying to me that "you are worth what you know," especially when I would tell her about my experiences with my classmates-- while the first couple of days of classes I felt ignored, a few weeks into classes, as my classmates saw that I was a good student, I would get invitations to go over their houses to study with them.

So perhaps my perfectionism was just my coping strategy for wanting to be accepted and loved; or just a way in which I could prove my worth. (I read somewhere that perfectionism may be a reflection of low self esteem).

I truly believe that this whole soul-searching process during the last year and a half has helped tons in helping me dissect all of this. It has also helped me to understand how the impact of not having my ìvoice heardî or "a say" in terms of whether I wanted to come to America (which by the way I did not!!), may have also contributed to a lack of true self understanding. I am generally talkative, outgoing and not at all shy about my opinions. However, I believe that a fundamental part of who I am became silenced, perhaps because a part of me felt that expressing what I truly wanted would really not make a difference (just like it didn't when I said that I did not want to leave what I knew and loved in D.R. to come to the US). So like any muscle, if that inner voice is quiet for too long, it will soon atrophy or disappear. Again, none of this occurs at a conscious level.

The other part of this obsession with perfectionist paralysis may have to do with a much more complex subject, which I'd call self-sabotaging tendencies. In a sense, just like a part of me wants badly to succeed and do well, another part of me feels that I don't deserve it! (Like why me, among my family? Why do I deserve to be successful and they don't?). I have thought of this, as a possibility. But then again, I am not sure. I am not sure how to silence that voice all together or how much impact it has or will continue to have in my future.

So back to your original question: how did all the insights gained about myself got translated into my being a more productive writer? How I did learn to silence the critical voice that says 'this is not good enough' and how did I start listening to the voice that said "what is it that you WANT to say in this paper, regardless of how it is received?"

Below I share with you some of the insights I have gained (through methods such as journaling, meditation, mind-body practices, etc.) which have made it possible for me to arrive at this level of understanding about myself, my 'perfectionism paralysis' and most importantly, some of the strategies I have developed to beat it.

The first thing I have come to accept is that the product of any creative endeavor (be it a thesis, research paper, essay, etc.) does not and could not ever solely define who I am. Most importantly, the way in which this product is received, good, bad or indifferent is completely outside of my control. As such, all I can do is to offer my best, no matter what the audience reading it may think of it. I try very hard to stay true to myself and write with conviction about things that are important to me, without the expectation of a "perfect" product --because there is NO such a thing. I always try to keep in mind a great saying taught to me by one of my great mentors Dr. Richard Hull: "perfection is the enemy of the good." I keep repeating that to myself whenever the paralyzing voices of perfectionism start to creep in.

Another very important lesson I have learned is to be patient with myself. How does that help my writing? A lot! I don't expect a master piece from the first or second or third draft. I am not a genius. So now, I work on drafts, timelines and on pacing myself. For a long time, I would start working on a paper/project a day or two before it was due, hoping that the adrenaline rush would help me "give birth" to a perfect paper. Now, I am much more realistic about my limitations. I have come to accept that the first draft will likely be crappy; and then I write and re-write until I am happy with the good-enough.

One thing that patience involves is kindness. As such, I am learning to quite down the critical voice which continues to tell me that this or that is not good enough (even as I write this!!) when I am in the process of creating something. After all, would I ever be as critical of a friend's paper as I am of mine, especially if it is a work-in-progress? I think not.

Last, what has helped the most is to realize that change is very difficult to achieve and that it is human nature to rebel against it, even when it is bringing about all kinds of positive things to our lives. So now, when the tendency to criticize comes in, I do not fight it. I don't obsess and read a line five hundred times. Instead, I take a break. I engage in deep breathing exercises, closing my eyes, and thinking of nothing in particular with every breath. Sometimes, it helps to engage in positive affirmations: "I am creative. I am clarity of mind, thought, and emotion, etc. Sometimes, just taking a walk helps just as much.

So does this mean I have found enlightenment? Or that I will never ever again be paralyzed by this perfectionism? Of course not! As I mentioned above, what I have learned to do a bit more of is to cut myself some slack and to understand that no "masterpiece" is achieved overnight; that writing is the process of rewriting; that I should pace myself and not be too quick to judge what is on the paper without giving me the opportunity to edit it; that what a professor thinks of my paper is never as important as what my friend, or niece or nephew thinks of me; that the outcome of a paper does not define me and that as Helen Keller brilliantly puts it, "character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." I suppose the creation of a paper is somewhat similar.