TAA Awards Banquet Opening Address
"Banquet Pungency"
by Richard Hull

Anyone who has looked into my career may have spotted a series of jobs (professor, headmaster, personnel agent, hospital administrator, fundraiser, executive director) and wondered at the apparent instability. Now, there is indeed a coherent explanation for all that moving around, but, truth be told, there is a hidden, deep character flaw that underlies each job change. And I have decided that, in the interest of full disclosure to my new employer, to identify that character flaw and illustrate how deeply it affects me and those around me. I realize that the tradition of this organization's banquet talks is one of levity and humor, and I regret having to depart from that tradition. However, honesty (one of my character strengths) prompts me to disclose this weakness.

I love to pun.

Furthermore, I love the challenge of making puns on individual's names.

Now, many will solemnly assure you that the pun is the lowest form of humor. I propose this evening to illustrate just how low it can go.

But some of you may not know what puns are. Oh, I could give you a dictionary definition, but I think that such definitions are sometimes picked at Random: House and whys simply aren't clear enough with a dictionary definition, and Webster you up far less than you are OED. So, to illustrate, here are a few puns sent by a sick friend who thought they were puns for intellectuals.

A hyena boarded a plane in Australia, carrying two dead wallabies. The stewardess stopped him and said, "Sorry, sir, only one carrion per passenger."

Twin boll weevils grew up in John Wakefield's home state of Alabama. One took off to Nashville and became a rich and famous country singer. The other stayed in Alabama and never amounted to much. Naturally, he was known locally as the lesser of two weevils.

Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire. The fire burned through the bottom of the craft, which promptly sank, proving the old adage once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

One of our members who is a Buddhist recently went to his dentist but refused to take Novocain. He wanted to transcend dental medication.

There was quite a ruckus here in the hotel last night. A group of chess enthusiasts checked in and had an impromptu meeting where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. After an hour the hotel manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Some years ago another one of our members gave birth to identical twins but simply couldn't manage to care for them at that stage in her life. So, she gave them up for adoption. One went to an Egyptian family and was named "Ahmal." The other was sent to a Spanish family who named him "Juan." Years later, Juan sent his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband she wished she also had a picture of Ahmal. He reportedly replied, "They're twins for Pete's sake!! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!!"

A group of friars opened a florist shop in San Diego not far from Michael and Alana Lennie's office, in order to raise funds to restore the bell tower in their old mission. Everyone like buying flowers from the friars because they were jolly and because it was for a good preservationist cause. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because people felt compelled to buy from the friars, so he asked the friars to cut back their hours or to close down. The friars refused. The rival florist offered them money, pleaded, all to no avail. He then hired Hugh McTaggart, the biggest, meanest thug in town. Hugh went to the Friar's shop, beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said to them, "If you don't close, I'll be back." Totally terrified, the friars closed up shop and hid in their unfinished mission's bell tower. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Mahatma Gandi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life. The practice created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This made him a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Well, I have been most gratified at your laughter at these puns. To practice this talk, I tried out all ten puns on a group of friends in hopes that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

So you hopefully know a little better what a pun is. Punning, as an idealized form of life, represents the lower limit of humor attainable for those of us who are philosophers. And for those of us who are Cartesian foundationalists, the pun may well represent that long-sought-for rock bottom on which to rebuild humor itself. But perhaps I am getting Descartes before the horse. So let us turn to the philosophical significance of the pun as the imum bonum attainable in this august convention - or, rather, this July convention.

I propose to illustrate on of the traditions of this form of life which I choose to call "Nominalistic Punning." As you consider the examples that I provide, please note that two defining characteristics of all nominalistic puns are met by the puns contained in what follows: (1) they all involve plays on proper names; (2) each play using what might be thought to be a name previously used, must use it in a different way, so that no two puns are alike. Watch for a violation of this second rule: there will be a short quiz at the end.

This latest eruption of the pun disease started before yesterday's Council meeting. Several members had been delayed in their flights by weather, and Janet had taken Collins from several of them warning that Morris coming late. Janet, always the Karen sort, wondered whether the number would Waxer wane, and feared too many absences would put a Paul on the meeting. "Richard," she said, resplendent in her triCohan lace chemise, "find our catering manager Martinengo and inform him of this Gray situation." I thought she was Barkan the moon, and said "Al Shenk about it." But she insisted, so I Rosen, muttered "Ein, Zweig, Drei," to myself, said aloud "Roger," and went off to Harris the manager.

Martin was nowhere to be found, and I was referred to the two assistant catering managers, Messersmith and McDonald, and told that Smith was short. I found him, but the Taalman was not to be seen. I asked about his whereabouts and was told "McHoes the herb garden during this time on Wednesday." Smith seemed kind of young and spoke with a strange accent, and I asked him how long he'd been assistant manager. "Bennitt just a week, but I've Doug it from the first day!" he said. I told him of the Block that had been delayed Flynn, and he irrelevantly asked how many were "Siegels and Gylys". I tried to Pynn him down on whether we would be charged for the room of anyone whose flight was cancelled, fearing the hotel would Ron up the bill, and told him that our salesperson, Bert, had assured us that if we had a walk-in and a no-show, we could Switzer without any problem. He muttered, "I'll Hurlbert into the street for that!," uttered a Stream of invectives, and stalked off.

After such a Barbara-ous encounter, I needed a glass of Sherri. I had one, then told the bartender to Phillip again. After going to the John, I decided that Michael should be to our bookkeeper, because I feared some kind of Larson-y was afoot and I didn't want the organization to be taken by a Robert. The bookkeeper is a very level-headed person and noted that if we had the same number of walk-ins as cancellations, we'd be even-Steven. I asked her what calculations she was making, and she said, "Matth? hews," referring to her CPA husband's textbook. Making conversation, I asked if she had any pets, and she said, "Wankat," and hung up.

Meanwhile, the missing assistant catering manager had left off his weeding to do some fishing for blue Gillen catfish while he watched some tree experts cutting down a diseased palm tree in a nearby Glenn. He was standing at the edge of a dock, and as he stepped back when someone yelled "Timber!" another yelled "Lake!" only too late: he fell in.

He emerged dripping, and said, "I need to Don some dry clothes and shoes, but this is my only wardrobe at work. Could you Lennie?" I said his only option was Toby new ones. He said, "Next week I am going to Mary Kay, so I will get a shiny pair of shoes." Despite his British name it was clear he was of Asian Indian extraction, and as I drove him to the shoe store he told me he was actually of Royal Indian descent. I asked somewhat flippantly, "Will you Roger?" but I think he found my Barbara to understand. We got to the shoe store, but all they had were very expensive shoes. I exclaimed, Christ! Opherson smaller amount!" He said, "I don't Carol buy the most expensive pair they have. My Pawlak Kim." "William surprised," I said. "Are you sure the Matthews using is correct?" "I got it from one of your textbook authors named Van." I said, "I don't want to Sullivan, but you should check with your banker to be sure you can Paul it off." He thanked me, Ann I returned to the Council meeting as he Jaywalked back to the hotel.

"Did you save us any money? Did you speak to the catering manager?" Janet asked. "I could have hiTim, with the unreliable help he's got" I said. Janet said, "I was afraid all along he was Lyons. I don't Carol talk to Walt Disney himself!" I gently told her that I thought Walt was Withgott, and she sighed and said, "I'm afraid this place iSmagula-g. I'm sick of the Hull mess. Next week, I'm off to Havasi Forneyarly a month." I thought I might Roger on her mispronunciation of the state's name, but figured it's best just to Winkie it. So I said, "If you don't Carol get the Council meeting started with whoever has come. We have a nominee to the Foundation that I don't know well, with the same name as an American car, and I want to Mulford over before the vote is taken. I'm afraid he's Tara-diddled some of the claims on his resume. Besides," I pointed out, "I need to Wakefield, our president, and also be sure the Mike is turned on." "Christ!" I exclaimed, "I almost forgot. I have to distribute several reports to the Council before the meeting. And I thought I didn't have a Karen the world!" And I rushed off to find my Precious reports.

"Where are they?" I cried as I looked for them in the meeting room. Just in time, someone said, "They're under the Matson." The reports characterize what I have done on various projects since Jan-uary, and if membership is Margaret a bonus. So I said, "Hand me the Michael give the reports now." I've Laura my lesson, and will make keeping track of TAA stuff Michael-ling

Well, the meeting passed, the first day of the convention is over, and it Steve-ning of our banquet. I hope you have enjoyed my description of yesterday, not become John-diced about puns, and find yourselves Richard from the telling.

Incidentally, the violation of rule two was...using Carol in the same way twice.

And now, on to our honors ceremony!

Ours is a noble profession. In the social contract between academic authors and the society we serve, we are charged with the discovery, exploitation, and communication of knowledge to that society in such a manner that its future is made secure, and the welfare of its people is served. One of the chief ways we do that important task is to produce and refine knowledge and pass it along to succeeding generations through the textbooks that are employed in our classrooms, and the supporting materials that are offered to assist students in its mastery and its assimilation into their knowledge and practice.

TAA seeks to honor this noble profession by identifying exemplary textbooks through a judged competition and honoring their authors at our annual banquet. The competition was opened this year to non-members in order to increase the prestige of the award. The competition is as heavy as publishers, who nominate the candidates for each of our genre, make it, and we have imposed so far no limits on the number of nominations a publisher can make. So if you are interested in your textbook being entered into a competition, you may either contact our office, in which case we will forward the request to your publisher, or you may contact your publisher directly and request that your book be nominated for one of our awards.

TAA makes two types of awards: The Texty award, for the best texts in one of several genre fields, and the McGuffey award, for textbooks whose enduring value, like that of the McGuffey Reader, has been demonstrated through many succeeding editions.

The entries are judged by a panel of experienced and seasoned faculty members who are drawn, when possible, from the field of the entrant's text. They provide a score and a set of evaluative remarks. At this time we will present the awards, most recipients of which are present this evening.

Robert Christopherson has kindly prepared a slide show of our winning entries. We thank him for his efforts, we thank our judges for their careful and reflective considerations, and we thank our staff for keeping track of the copies to be sent to each judge in the competition.